[Sick] Nine-year old gets "Star Wars" ruined for him forever

[Sad] America's dumbest generation?

[Spiffy] Pennsylvanian with no arms and no legs finishes 275th of 308 in swimming portion of Pittsburgh triathlon. No, his name isn't Bob or Duncan, but he is a buoy

[Photoshop] Photoshop this doorway

[Dumbass] How do you avoid a thunderstorm while out on the course? By hiding under a tall tree, of course. "Neither knew what year it was, but one of them knew their current golf score"

[Amusing] 10 ugliest new cars in America

[Amusing] Chimp escapes zoo enclosure to get to the roof where it manages to disarm one worker before taking two tranquilizer darts and a banana (w/ great video)

[Asinine] Ugly brat sues teacher over insulting remarks

[Scary] Old and busted: drive-by shooting. New hotness: drive-by grenading

[Cool] I-Mockery travels to the top of Big Bear Mountain and discovers a genuine classic arcade that has stood the test of time since 1959

[Amusing] You know it's hot in Houston when inmates escape just to go swimming

[Interesting] The #1 bear threat to America: Snuggle

[Silly] "Spastic balls lure adults to Old School P.E. classes"

[Strange] Today's made-for-Fark headline: "Underwear chicken dare puts man in hospital"

[Dumbass] Sometimes you should just cut your losses instead of calling police -- for instance, if you get robbed trying to buy pot

[Obvious] China sets up designated tank practice areas for the Olympics

[Amusing] The top 7 misguided rap attempts. The horror

[Spiffy] At long last: XM - Sirius merger approved

[News] Hurricane Dolly makes landfall as a category 2 storm. Pray for Omarion

[Amusing] French couple displays amazing lack of historical awareness, makes porn video at World War I memorial

[Scary] Accelerated tanning = accelerated death. Really really accelerated

[Stupid] New York state worker earning $100K lived in company paint shed, report says

[Strange] Crazed German man drives a car though the gate at the site of Obama's speech Thursday, circles the complex repeatedly and spills red paint out of his car. France surrenders

[Asinine] Neither rain nor snow, nor sleet nor dark of night shall stay these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds, even if they deliver mail to the wrong address for 19 years

[Ironic] Palm City man's stolen credit card used to buy program to prevent identity theft

[News] Robert Novak rams a pedestrian and speeds away. Yes, submitter is well aware this is Not Braking news

[Amusing] Homeowner jumps burgler, binds him with duct tape and hands him over to police "gift wrapped"

[Dumbass] "Sorry about the Molotov cocktails. Our bad." Awkward

[Obvious] You're the largest cable company in the United States. Do you: C) Spend almost a month trying to figure out why a customer isn't getting his cable... only to find out that you haven't hooked it up to his house?

[Dumbass] British woman sues after "water detox diet" leaves her brain damaged and on medication. Dietician counters that thinking a water detox diet would work meant the woman was probably brain damaged already

[Amusing] Vanity Fair does the thinkable to The New Yorker

[Obvious] Missing? ? Female? ? Caucasian? ? Attractive? ? Young? ? Nevermind, go back to your normal routine, nothing to see here

[Interesting] U.S. appeals court overturns Internet Child Protection Act. Why won't they think of the children?

[Dumbass] NTSA = x + z(2), where x represents a 25-year-old math teacher and z represents her 16-year-old student

[Spiffy] The baby born of the second Immaculate Conception turns 30 today

[Interesting] Hugo Chavez to purchase $5 billion worth in Russian weapons for Venezuela in order to protect the country when the U.S. invades or the monkeys in the rain forest get organized and attack, whichever comes first

[Strange] Because Criss Angel is called Mindfreak, are people who follow him called "freaks"? (Sponsored link)

[Spiffy] Harley-Davidson unveils a tricycle-style roadster. Next, Bob the Builder and Barney the Dinosaur co-star in "Easy Rider" remake with Raffi covering "Born To Be Wild"

[Scary] Bank websites using swiss cheese for security, university researchers find

[Spiffy] Minimum wage to jump by $0.70 which works out to about 145 cases of Natural Light or 18 grams of meth per year based on 40-hour work week

[Hero] A salute to the man trying to bring the Kicked in the Nuts record back to the USA

[Followup] Although the press informed everybody else, they forgot to tell Patrick Swayze he had only weeks to live

[Silly] The score at the end of the Møøse vs. Sister match is Møøse 1, Sister 1 in sudden-death overtime

[Followup] Radovan Karadzic to defend himself in war crimes court. Because it worked so well for the last guy

[Followup] Rogue programmer who hijacked San Francisco's network surrenders passwords to mayor, says he was just protecting the city's code. He's also been described as "a bit maniacal." Gee, ya think?

[Dumbass] Man who once threw owl from moving car to evade police pursuit now jailed for armed burglary at wrong house

[Dumbass] Drinking Wite-Out does not erase alcohol from your blood. You will still be charged with drunk driving

[Dumbass] One in, one out. The "Spam King" is AWOL from federal prison. Wait, two "Spam Kings"? Spam King trifecta in play?

[Cool] If you've ever wanted to swim with sea lions in a mall, now is your chance. Yeah, us neither

[Photoshop] Photoshop this underwater cameramajigger